...and I'm back

My apologies for the long absence...
I have seen a lot in the recent past.... so much so that....well, nevermind...i'll let this excerpt do the talking....its something I shared today with the person closest to me....my only confidant....
It just flowed out of my mouth.....quite inadvertently I must say... but I'm glad it did...for I feel much lighter now :
"...But I still hold that my journey from belief to non belief and back has not been futile. In fact is has left me more grateful and informed than other believers. It is but human to realize the importance of something more when you lose it. My journey has led me to appreciate what I have and who I am more than before. Also, I feel that there's no book, no gospel, no text, no tangible manuscript through which "He" talks to you...none other than the book of life itself. The question is, are you reading?... or are you reading?.."

Dead and alive

A. Those who fear death for the want of life. They have dreams, hopes and aspirations. They have stuff they want to get done before their time comes.

B. Those who fear death for the pain it brings along. They'd be dead long ago if only they had the courage to bear it all, or, in other words, if they were coward enough to give in to life's agony.

C. Those who fear death for both the reasons stated above.

D. Those who do not fear death. They're dead already. Breathing, but dead.


I'm dangerously shuttling between A and D.

killin time...

Alright, here's the deal... living in Delhi isn't exactly turning out to be a rosy experience... it's like the sinking feeling you get... when everyone else seems busy... and you are the only one idle enough to be able to look around you and expect someone to come up and say "Wazzup dude? Let's go get a beer!". You start worrying as to what's amiss... Why is everyone else living so responsibly? Moreover, why aren't you upto something? Something meaningful, that is.
So my quest for meaning often leads me to this nice and cozy lounge & bar on the 2nd floor of Punjabi by Nature at Priya's. The place is dark and the music is good... though it's a bit heavy on the pocket I must say, which ensures that my visits aren't too frequent. So I bought this book - Selected works of Oscar Wilde the other day from a nearby bookstore. I had planned my evening well. It'd be me, Wilde and some nice rum... just perfect. I had turned the first page when this chic who had been sitting there on the next stool, overlooked by me (or so I pretended), approached me and said, "You look like a writer." Now that wasn't a compliment for sure since I had returned from office (that happens to be at a construction site!), and had a wildly overgrown beard to go alongwith my idiotic dressing sense. But, to my satisfaction, I didn't give in to the fact that she was overwhelmingly attractive, looked too smart for me, and came out with an instant reply, "But you don't quite look like a reader."
She took that personally I suppose. I am thankful she did, for it initiated the most intellectually satisfying conversation I've had in a long time. She happened to have done her masters in literature. The evening went fine, before it gave way to the fear of getting back to my place, only to sleep in order to get up on time for work the next day. Lame!
Such conversations were a part and parcel of life back then in Kgp. But all those ears and mouths have been kicked all over the globe now... psst! life!

P.S : i dont give a fuck about the grammar and punctuation... so please bear with me (i'm the new guy. remember?)

can't think of a fuckin title...

Phew !

Good riddance!
I wonder how all of you have tolerated that loser with a capital L for so long. I absolutely abhor such people who make someone the center of their universe and then spend their entire time whining about their relationships. She did this ...boohoohoo... she did that... boohoohoo... Bollocks!
Not just that, the douchebag didn't quit cribbing even in his poems, if that may be called poetry at all. It is beyond my understanding why people can't just relax and see the brighter side of things.
It's not that I lack emotions. I mean, come on, I cried my heart out when the sensex drop last week made me lose 70 Gs. But I wouldn't make an issue of it, wouldn't go around telling everyone what a pathetic piece of shit I've become after losing my dough. What's done is done... move on! The world is for the taking!

Anyway, love me or hate me, I'm here to stay... atleast as long as that nit-wit's away. ;-)

I'll justify the blog's title... That is for sure...

break...

i write a lot from the point of view of a jilted lover... i suppose this genre's become my favorite/most convenient "writing drug"... but being an object of so much love and attention, it isn't easy imagining things anymore... so, for a while, i guess i'll bring in my Nth self into the picture henceforth... let's see what he's like...

Love

I am the dreams you see
I am the hopes belied
Call me the truth you seek
Or the moment you lied

I am the novel smile
I am the learned smirk
My name is reality
In myths do I lurk

I am the trust you show
I am the one you deceive
Kiss me, I am your life
Or the death you receive

I'm The God that failed.
I'm The Devil that succeeded.
I am all you ever feared.
I am all you ever needed.

Chrome

Burning blood on the street
Neck-break speed, kiss of death
Oh what fate, bitter or sweet,
Do you plan this empty shell to meet?

Spirits rising to the brain,
Golden fairy smells of hell.
You looked away, her tears rained
The yearning was for love, not pain.

The chords in place, the volume high
The screaming chorus, the heavy beat,
Sound just like my last lullaby.
Why my love? I wonder why.

So you gave me burning chrome
If only you'd opened your heart
My love, I'd be home
You bitch, I'd be home.

Jab it!

I've just stumbled upon the reason why I've been restless for the past few months. I've become addicted to pain. Not that life is how I want it to be as present, or will ever be for that matter, but I miss the real thing. So... if someone's listening, please jab that pin again...

...

... it's all bullshit... misleading clouds of verbosity that lead to nothing but stress pockets in these so called "evolved" human brains... emotionally challenged and blinded... incapable of evolving further... into the superior race... emotionally bankrupt... free from pain... agony

I wish I wasn't human.

?

Is the yearning for l*ve, in sheer pain, with focussed madness, a more fulfilling food to the soul than being in a relationship, being taken for granted, someone being there for you being a mere fact, nothing more? Or is it just my masochistic self that feels so?

People want space. They want personal boundaries meant to be trespassed by NO one. But what about those starved lunatic souls who want every inch of their personal space to be owned by that special someone? Those who don't believe in boundaries? Those who do not know how to draw lines? Those who want to switch roles at times, to be the wanted one, the one yearned for, to be the one! What about them? Is it a rule that madness must go unrequited, never to be satiated ?

If yes, then I wonder if anything like fulfilled l**e exists. 'Coz to me, L**e sans madness is another insinuation of mortal needs, nothing more, nothing magical, nothing divine. Mere labyrinth of self assuring human emotions inextricably knit into nothingness.

Is this hunger meant to be satisfied...ever?

The devil is in the Dots

Hunger.Hope.love.novelty.excitement.knowledge.first crush.convention.morals.competition.academics.seperation.new friends.
discomfort.phoneys.solitude.focus.books.monotony.
loneliness.friends.inspire.enemies.inspire.teachers.conventions.
morals.attraction.lust.crush.romance.trust.betrayal.fantasy.reality.
focus.aim.morals.conventions.academics.hard work.
success.superficial.astray.sheep.morals.conventions.stigmas.
yearning.freedom.thought.pain.alcohol.addiction.friends.comfort.desire.pain.
alcohol.addiction.years.tears.change.first crush.friends.love.hope.courage.freedom.city.love.
hope.memories.desire.ambition.hopes.
hunger.hunger.hunger.hunger...




P.S : I know! ...

Delhi blues...

I see the potential... I see the potential this city has, to be the playground of barbarians, the group yours truly belongs to; but alas! I am alone here now and there's not much I can do on my own. What a waste!
I'm living the kind of life where you can clearly hear the seconds hand of the clock ticking, trying to figure out rythmic patterns of sound... and attaching random warped thoughts to the same. Alright, the previous sentence is full of bullshit.
I am in touch with only three living souls except my parents : Anchal (my gf), Bhavna and Shruti. I would have been writing nursery rhymes on the walls had these three not been there!
But I miss the barbarians... Miss the "cheers"/ "P.B."(full form nahin likha kyunki ladkiyan bhi mera blog padhti hain :p)

Sid, Gaay, Bhaatu, Sachin, Heman, Ans, Bansal ... Fuck you :D

Arbit...

...something from one of my all time favourite works in lit :

I'm sort of an atheist. I like Jesus and all, but I don't care too much for most of the other stuff in the Bible. Take the Disciples, for instance. They annoyed the hell out of me, if you want to know the truth. They were all right after Jesus was dead and all, but while He was alive, they were about as much use to Him as a hole in the head. All they did was keep letting Him down. I like almost anybody in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth, the guy I like best in the Bible, next to Jesus, was that lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. I like him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor bastard.

- Holden Caulfield(in chapter 14)

The Catcher in the Rye

(J.D. Sallinger)

>>>>

Hit 150 at NH-8 today in my chevy. The guitar solo at the end of Comfortably Numb is to blame :D. Amazing how ten seconds of emptiness can be worthier of living than 5 years of stereotypical slogging.

P.S. : Sachin, this info is exclusively for you :D :P

...

Shell of hopelessness...
broken, eyes of change...
round, rapt, rigid
The novel winter sun
The playful wind
The false welcome

and then they died
crushed, torn,
Betrayed.

When I'm Gone

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Or maybe I'm just blind...

Or maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone...

When your education X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone


Or maybe I'm just blind...


Love me when I'm gone...

Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone


- 3 Doors Down

Suddenly something...

The best and most innocent part of l**e(yeah, i'm sick and tired, and probably scared of the word... i'd say Fuck with elan... but not l**e) is always unrequited, especially the part that has madness in it. I wonder if the rest is of any use.

... and I'm back

Haven't posted anything for a long time now... haven't written anything really... been busy trying to understand why I am doing whatever it is that is keeping me preoccupied these days... am not exactly crazy about my job... am still flummoxed as far as my relationship goes... couldn't agree more with Sigmund Freud about women!... still haven't been able to adjust with the lifestyle here in Delhi(my hometown, supposedly!!)... staying at home isn't my idea of perfect living either... I won't say I miss Kharagpur... I've hated every second of the five years I spent there from the bottom of my heart... but yes, I do miss kgpians... well, some of them...

Anyway, I'm back... now that I've 24 hrs access, I'm surely gonna come up with loads of garbage... yet again...

the last battle

Black lettered pages, wine coloured nights,
Blot of ink, swing of sword
And gold stretched with crystal ice.
The smoke-filled dungeon and the tamed green dragon,
My son, calls for but a heavy price.

So when you leave for the last fight
Leave your cavalries and your swords
For here he comes with words of might
Show some courtesy and respect, my son
For here comes The Dark Knight.



P.S. :As you may infer,...I have got absolutely nothing to do :D...so, have been posting whatever arbit stuff that's there on my mind...:D...

Angst.

Angst, severe as he could have been,
With infernal fury, blood and pathos.
Becalmed he was, as no eye had seen,
Not by your God(s), but an old chaos.



P.S. : Being a hidden message, this might not make much sense. But I did manage to give it a vague poetic form ;-). The person it is written for wouldn't need to work too much to decipher it. :)...yeah alright! Another wannabe crypto! :)

se7en

Why my love
do you not shield my soul
while the fluid demon
swallows me whole?
You look away
and I go insane
You feed my gluttony
You feed my fear
You feed my...pain

Why my love
do you not show content
and force my puerility
give way to wicked intent?
You look away
and I go insane
You feed my greed
You feed my fear
You feed my...pain.

Why my love
do you not comfort me
when they all fall low
as low can be?
You look away
and I go insane
You feed my pride
You feed my fear
You feed my...pain

Why my love
do you let it rain
as I walk in purging flames
and it's all in vain?
You look away
and I go insane
You feed my lust
You feed my fear
You feed my...pain

Why my love
do you look past my zeal
and tend to the knavish
who beg and steal?
You look away
and i go insane
You feed my sloth
You feed my fear
You feed my...pain

Why my love
do you let me bleed
and leave me for them
when you're all I need?
You look away
and I go insane
You feed my envy
You feed my fear
You feed my...pain

Why my love
do you twist the blade
and spawn the steely demons
who mock me, unafraid?
You look away
and I go insane
You feed my wrath
You feed my fear
You feed my...pain

You feed my fear
You feed my pain
You feed... me.

When...

When my introversion is taken for snobbishness, my habits deemed as my definition, when I am applauded for who I pretend to be, forgotten for who I am, when I am expected to do what I can't, unexpected to do what I can, when I am loved for my weaknesses, despised for my strengths, when I am respected out of fear, feared out of respect, when my prayers are taken for blasphemy, my profanations deemed hallowed, when my verity puts me to shame, my lies fetch me fame ......It is precisely at these moments when I feel cathartic happiness at the fact that I spat in the face of morality.

The Outcast

A bohemian who once was,
bludgeoned by his fate.
Wedged by the world around
to shed his evil trait.

'twas espousal he cried for
and de trop it was to ask.
As the fake world of morality,
mandated the moral mask.

The Tenth Muse.

I wrote this when I had to pay the price for NOT being a hypocrite :


Ha! so you had to do it.
Speak out your fickle mind
Surefooted delusions
that maketh you a grind.

Afterall can't you see
that love is but a pompy show?
With your savage ways
which blue lady won't mop and mow?

Why can't you just lie?
It is your tenth muse
when gross accusals
make prejudices fuse.

Ha! so you had to say it!
ignorant of interpretations
which in all puerility
could be virgin obligations.

Afterall if you had lied
or not said anything at all
the chauvinistic insinuations
couldn't have caused your dreaded fall.

Ha! so you had to do it
Speak out your fickle mind
surefooted delusions
that maketh you a grind

The Last Crusade

He returned, yes he did
The consecrate knight
of burnish armour
His mighty steed
galloped, with him
on a thousand thoughts
of his maiden so fair

Left behind were blood and gore
wounded pride, crusades,
promised lands of death and wrath
the shining sword ...had served

It kept him alive, the purple flower
that spoke
of thimbleberries, by the brook that was
of the puerile love, that had been
of innocence, trust and unabashed faith
of her it spoke with tears of joy.

Return he did from the righteous crusades
The sands of time had turned vicious
tears of blood, of betrayal, of her
had washed it all
the dream was gone
love vanquished, hopes swallowed
by the agony of destine dismay

The cold that was
in her eyes, distant,
spoke of love gone awry
rage or despair?
unknown the feeling was

And he rode into nothingness
his mighty steed
galloped quick
He tried to his end, but in vain
to elude the shadow that was.


P.S : Hey A , this one's for you....if you ever read it :)

Unrequited.........

"A mighty pain to love it is,

And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain."

-Abraham Cowley

In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others.
Andre Maurois (1885 - 1967)

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000), Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"


A love that can last forever takes but a second to come about.
-Cuban Proverb


What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil.
-Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900), Beyond Good and Evil

Critique

I recently confronted two questions pertaining to my previous post named "cerebration".
I am posting the questions along with my responses here, simply because the critics were convinced, and understood things from my standpoint which I do not experience often.

1. What about God? What are your thoughts about God?

A. As far as the concept of god propagated by the labyrinth of the organised religious systems is concerned, I am an atheist.
My concept of God is any tangible or intangible force that gives me the feeling of being able to look up to it as a recourse, as a guide, as a friend....and as myriads of other effable and ineffable entities. He/She/It might be myself, another person, an event, an idea :all playing the requisite role at various points in time and space.
(From my experience, you can't convince people from the opposite camp if you put it in a plain fuckin extremist capsule:D(unless you have a chrome plated sixer in hand) but this got her thinking atleast)


2. How can thought be evolution free…? Then it would be stagnant wouldn’t it???
It makes you think this piece you have written … but is it a part of something bigger .. it kind of feels incomplete…

A. Thought may be stagnant and still not bound. For example, we have evolved to be able to think out of the species, to be able to lose the herd instinct. Whether we do it or not is again our choice. Our thought may be stagnant as we may not be able to imagine what future beholds, but still we are free to think in our capacity. What I wanted to lay emphasis upon is that somehow even this freedom to think with our full capacity is being curbed by the factors that I mentioned; and this hurts.

The Dreamer

The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey – don't worry, don't be afraid ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter, because – it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace.

- William Melvin Hicks

Pious implosion

"What distinguishes us [scientists] from the pious and the believers is not
the quality but the quantity of belief and piety; we are contented with
less. But if the former should challenge us: then be contented and appear to
be contented! - then we might easily reply: 'We are, indeed, not among the
least contented. You, however, if your belief makes you blessed then appear
to be blessed! Your faces have always been more injurious to your belief
than our objections have! If these glad tidings of your Bible were written
on your faces, you would not need to insist so obstinately on the authority
of that book... As things are, however, all your apologies for Christianity
have their roots in your lack of Christianity; with your defence plea you
inscribe your own bill of indictment. "

-Daybreak, Nietzche

Where angels deserve to die......

He had no craft,he had no veil.
No one's joy did he ever steal.
But for one lingering question in his mind
Oh Master!Where art thou if thou art ever so kind.

But innocence gave way
And his mind would stray
From birds and flowers and beauty divine,
He fell, and proud morbidity seemed just fine.

And mortality it was, that engulfed him
As it shone upon his countenance, right up to the brim.
He walked and walked, with bloody feet
On the one dreaded path he wasn't meant to meet.

Another day, as he cried with dreary eyes
Heavens opened up and the path did rise.
And it said unto him with such a voice,
That he had to heed and had no choice.

Lucifer, My son! Thou shalt rise
For I see thou being ever so wise
See thy purpose and follow thy way
And let not your mind astray

On his feet did he fall and cried with joy
And free was he, of greed and ploy
But Lucifer screamed, for he was ever so keen,
Oh God! Thou art omnipresent, but alas! thou can't be seen

Thou can't be seen
Thou can't be seen
Thou can't be seen